The Klingon Bard

Qe’van Ice Bucket Challenge for ALS:

Filk: The Women Of Westeros

Tune: Sweet Betsy From Pike  (John A. Stone)
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She took for her lover a Greyjoy of Pyke
Who had quite a member, so what’s not to like?
Then Ramsey, the bastard, made Theon kaput
And shortened his ego by almost a foot
Diddle-dai, diddle-doh, diddle-dee-dee-dee-doo
The women of Westeros are after you
(The women of Westeros are after you)

She took for her lover a prince of the realm
A three-headed dragon bedazzled his helm
She fled with her prince and that led to a war
It’s rumoured that John is the bastard she bore
Diddle-dai, diddle-doh, diddle-dee-dee-dee-doo
The women of Westeros are after you
(The women of Westeros are after you)

She took for her lover Ser Jamie, her twin
She liked him without but preferred him within
Myrcella and Joffrey and Tommen are said
To be not Baratheons; Lannister bred
Diddle-dai, diddle-doh, diddle-dee-dee-dee-doo
The women of Westeros are after you
(The women of Westeros are after you)

She took for her lover the Lannister dwarf
They both loved each other though she was a whore
When he was imprisoned she bedded his dad
Then Tyrion killed her and felt very bad
Diddle-dai, diddle-doh, diddle-dee-dee-dee-doo
The women of Westeros are after you
(The women of Westeros are after you)

She took for her lover her husband named Ned
She bore him five children from their marriage bed
She loved all her children wherever they’d go
And jealously hated the bastard John Snow
Diddle-dai, diddle-doh, diddle-dee-dee-dee-doo
The women of Westeros are after you
(The women of Westeros are after you)

She took for her lover the red God of Fire
The seven are burned in a funeral pyre
Dark shadow assassins to this world she brings
When mating with men of the bloodline of kings
Diddle-dai, diddle-doh, diddle-dee-dee-dee-doo
The women of Westeros are after you.
(The women of Westeros are after you)

She took for her lover a Dothraki khal
(Or rather he took her, though she was a child)
A mother of dragons as legends foretold
Khaleesi and Mhysa wherever she goes
Diddle-dai, diddle-doh, diddle-dee-dee-dee-doo
The women of Westeros are after you.
(The women of Westeros are after you)

She took for her lover two different kings
But both of them died before doing her things
The Lady of Flowers has terrible luck
Twice royally wedded, un-royally fucked
Diddle-dai, diddle-doh, diddle-dee-dee-dee-doo
The women of Westeros are after you.
(The women of Westeros are after you)
_____________________________________

Qe’van, Bard of Nor
August, 2014












Filk: Under The Damned Dome

Tune: Under The Boardwalk (Young/Resnick)
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When a transparent dome covers the town of Chester’s Mill
And they’re trapped there inside the people panic like people will
Under the damned dome, Big Jim Rennie’s
In a political showdown with Colonel Barbie

(Under the damned dome) With badge and gun
(Under the damned dome) Big Jim is the one
(Under the damned dome) It’s indicative of
(Under the damned dome) An intolerant gov
Under the damned dome.  The damned dome.

When the chosen four put their hands on the dome they tell
Visions of the past and what soon may come as well
Under the damned dome, the chosen see
Hints at what must be to set them all free

(Under the damned dome) With badge and gun
(Under the damned dome) Big Jim is the one
(Under the damned dome) It’s indicative of
(Under the damned dome) An intolerant gov
Under the damned dome.  The damned dome.

Oh, outside the damned dome the country sees, yeah,
The people of Chester’s Mill’s fight to be free

(Under the damned dome) With badge and gun
(Under the damned dome) Big Jim is the one
(Under the damned dome) It’s indicative of
(Under the damned dome) An intolerant gov
Under the damned dome.  The damned dome.
________________________________________

Qe’van, Bard of Nor
August, 2014

Filk: Fifty Ways To Serve Your Liver

Tune: Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover (Paul Simon)
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I met with Dr. Lecter at precisely six fifteen
He promised me a meal that was the best I’d ever seen
He said that I would swear the flavor had to be obscene
Because “There’s fifty ways to serve your liver.”

"Fifty ways?" I asked, I didn’t have a clue.
"Yes, my friend" the Dr. said, "I have a way with food.
But I’ll repeat myself at the risk of being rude,
That I know fifty ways to serve your liver.
Fifty ways to serve your liver.

[CHORUS]
You stuff it with jack, mack.
Grill with onion, son.
And smother with poi, boy,
Just leave it to me.
For dinner or lunch, bunch,
Or maybe a late brunch,
The spicing is key, see,
It’s my speciality.”

He later said “It grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again.”
I said “I appreciate that, but would you please explain
More of the fifty ways…”

He said “I would be glad to, but first if you don’t mind
Let’s lift a glass to those we love and those we leave behind.”
And then it hit me hard just as my sight was going blind
There must be fifty ways to serve your liver.
Fifty ways to serve my liver…

[REPEAT CHORUS]
_______________________________

Qe’van, Bard of Nor
August, 2014

Filk: Seven Gods of Westeros

Tune: Seven Bridges Road (The Eagles)
_____________________________________

Seven Gods are in Westeros
Southward as you go
Newer Gods than the Gods of the trees
Seven Gods of Westeros

To Mother and Father, you are the baby.
You’re their loving child.
The Smith is always loving your labors
The Warrior’s victorious smile.
The Maiden with her innocence
And the wisdom of The Crone
The Stranger is there mysteriously
They’re the Gods of Westeros

Seven Gods are in Westeros
And if ever you decide you should go
Go to the sept, light a candle to them
Seven Gods of Westeros
________________________

Qe’van, Bard of Nor
August, 2014

Filk: The Night The Dauntless Cried

Tune: The Night Chicago Died  (Callender/Murray)
______________________

Divergents had to stop
The Massacre of Chicago
After the U.S.A.
Now in the new bad days

There was a plan by the Erudite
To repress the Dauntless will
And make Abnegation die
And they talk about it still
When Jeanine The Mean, The Crone
Tried to make this town her own
And she made us go to war
Against the ones who make the law

Triss watched her mama die
I heard her screams the night the Dauntless cried
Brother, what a night it really was
Helpless, in the fight it really wasn’t ever me
She saw her daddy die
She saw him give his life so she could try
Brother what a night the people saw
Sister what a fight the people saw, yes indeed

It was wrong but I could not change
With the drug that I had inside
We were just like a hoodlum gang
They surrendered, or they died
Then we lined them on their knees
So we could kill them at our ease
Then I asked someone who said
'Bout a hundred them are dead

Triss watched her mama die
I heard her screams the night the Dauntless cried
Brother, what a night it really was
Helpless, in the fight it really wasn’t ever me
She saw her daddy die
She saw him give his life so she could try
Brother what a night the people saw
Sister what a fight the people saw, yes indeed

Then there was no sound at all
Before assassinate them all
<*tick*tock*sweat*drop*tick*tock*>
Then the Erudite fog was gone!
Divergent deed was done!
Then the Dauntless hide our face
While Abnegation runs away

The night the Dauntless cried
The night the Dauntless cried
Brother what a night the people saw
Sister what a fight the people saw, yes indeed

The night the Dauntless cried
The night the Dauntless cried
Brother, what a night it really was
Helpless, in the fight it really wasn’t ever me

The night the Dauntless cried
The night the Dauntless cried
Brother what a night the people saw
Sister what a fight the people saw, yes indeed
<fade>
________________________________

Qe’van, Bard of Nor
April, 2014

Filk: I Am The Very Model Of The Modern Starfleet Officer

Tune: I Am The Very Model Of The Modern Major-General (G&S)
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I am the very model of the modern Starfleet Officer
A’warping here, a’warping there, a warrior philosopher.
I talk more techno-babble than the evil bad guy enemy
And break the laws of nature like Sir Newton’s Laws and entropy.
I am very well acquainted too with matters astronimical
And knowing all the races both the war-like and the logical.
I comb the interplanetary net for all illegal news…
Of Romulans, Cardassians and pirates out of Betelgeuse.
I never cheat at 3-D Chess or Poker or Parisi Squares
And many times I nix the turbo-lift and use the creeping stairs
For I am boldly going forward; I am not a crawfisher.
I am the very model of the modern Starfleet Officer.

I study mythic history, The Federation’s and the fleet’s.
I sing the songs of Kahless and I know of Hercules’ feats.
I write in Vulcan hieroglyphs philosophies taught by Surak.
I know the crimes of Colonel Green, Kahn Noonian Singh and Beeblebrox.
With just a glance I guess the dance of green Orion mother’s girls.
I know the history and culture of a thousand other worlds.
And I can quote the Captains and the Officers and ken the size…
Of every Starship that has had the mythic name of “Enterprise”.
I speak in fluent Horta and I wave the war-signs to the Gorn.
I know how every body looks both in and out of uniform.
And in my Captain’s ready-room I have a tête-à-tête with her
For I’m the very model of the modern Starfleet Officer.

I find a lusty lay on every planet, moon or docking port.
(Their noses all look funny but the nose ain’t what I’m looking for)
I scan a scan and then the scanners find a fukkin’ flux in space.
I gotta fix this flux unless it’s history for the Huxin race.
A particle accelerator’s really good at ‘nomolies
But if your particle is rare and not in nature normally
A Holodeck/Transporter fix will always help with this because…
The Holo~porter~replicators break all known existing laws.
I will lead in Engineering and at other times I follow well.
I play at doctor when the Holodoc is not so holo-well.
Yes, I am boldly going forward, I am not a crawfisher,
I am the very model of the modern Starfleet Officer.
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Qe’van, Bard of Nor
Original Summer, 1996 (original insta-filk)
Updated  July,   2001 (lengthened to full song)
Updated  January 2014 (added triple rhymes)

Filk: Red Wedding

Tune: White Wedding (Billy Idol)
____________________________

Hey Tully Catelyn, what have you done?
Hey Tully Catelyn, where’s your oldest son?
Hey Tully Catelyn, Robb’s a promised man,
Hey Tully Catelyn, broken promises,
Hey Tully Catelyn: Locked in!
It’s a bad night for Starks again.
It’s a nice night for a Red Wedding.
It’s a bad night for Starks again.

Hey Tully Catelyn, what have you done?
Hey Tully Catelyn, where’s your oldest son?
You’re in the way for too long.
Houses of Frey are too strong.
Lanisters will help with their song.
It’s a bad night for Starks again.
Come on, it’s a nice night for a Red Wedding.
It’s a bad night for Starks again!
<howl!>

Cut’em up!
Fuck all your guest rights!
There is nothing fair in this world, uh-huh,
When there are Lannisters in this world.
And there’s nothing sure in this world
When there’s Walder Freys in this world.
To your older gods in this woooorld, pray again!
Come on, it’s a nice night for a Red Wedding!
<howl!>
It’s a bad night for Starks again!
It’s a bad night for Starks again!
It’s a bad night for Starks again!
It’s a bad night for Starks again!
____________________________

Qe’van, Bard of Nor
January, 2014

Filksong: Knocking On Penny’s Door

Tune: Knocking on Heaven’s Door (Bob Dylan)
_______________________

Amy has something that she wants from me
And not deny her anymore
She’s in my bedroom waiting patiently
Here I go knocking on Penny’s door.

Knock, knock, knocking on Penny’s door.
Knock, knock, knocking on Penny’s door.
Knock, knock, knocking on Penny’s door.
Just like so many times before.

Leonard, drive me for a comic fix
‘Cause I can’t walk there anymore
I took a train there once with Wolowitz
No? Here I am knocking on Penny’s door.

Knock, knock, knocking on Penny’s door.
Knock, knock, knocking on Penny’s door.
Knock, knock, knocking on Penny’s door.
Just like so many times before.

Mama, I’m ill. I have a temperature.
I need “Soft Kitty” like before.
But you’re in Texas, far away from here.
Once again, I’m knocking on Penny’s door.

Knock, knock, knocking on Penny’s door.
Knock, knock, knocking on Penny’s door.
Knock, knock, knocking on Penny’s door.
Just like so many times before.
Knock, knock, knocking on Penny’s door.
Knock, knock, knocking on Penny’s door.
Knock, knock, knocking on Penny’s door.
<fade>
_______________________

Qe’van, Bard of Nor
January, 2014

The Klingon Bard turned 2 today!

The Klingon Bard turned 2 today!